The Myth of Fixing Your Marriage

Imagine you’re at the grocery store, walking down the canned goods aisle. You pass the beans, and you look down on your list. Yep. Beans are on the list of things you don’t want today. You keep walking. Corn. Nope, you’ve made a note to not buy corn today. This continues, for each aisle, making sure you don’t buy any of the things you don’t want today.

This is a silly example: making a grocery list of all the things you don’t want to buy. But if it’s so obviously silly, why do we tend to spend most of our time and energy focusing on what we don’t want from our partners?

• “If only he’d stop shutting down every time I bring up something hard.”

• “I wish she’d stop saying ‘I’m fine’ when she’s clearly not.”

It’s a default. Underneath the list of everything you’d like your partner to stop doing is a desire to have a better marriage. This is what “fixing” looks like — treating your marriage like a list of problems to eliminate. The logic feels simple: “If my partner would just stop doing X (and Y, and Z…), then our marriage would finally be great!”

But it’s a myth, and there are many evidence-based reasons why this strategy fails!

Think of the last time you were at a job, or a part of some project, and all you heard were the things you were doing wrong. How did it feel? Initially, maybe you felt motivated to do better. But over time, if all you hear is what you’re doing wrong and what you need to do better, what’s more likely?

1. You're going to feel very motivated to do your best work, excited to show up.
2. You're going to want to tell someone off and quit.

This is exactly what happens when we apply the strategy of fixing our marriage. When all one partner hears or thinks are the negatives: “Our marriage is bad because of [list of character flaws]”, it doesn’t inspire change, it inspires defeat. With all of the energy going towards what is wrong, it leaves little energy left to build what is right.

What Works Well?

To be clear: we’re not suggesting that you ignore real problems or pretend everything is fine. Feedback, even difficult feedback, is important for a healthy marriage. But there’s a difference between addressing problems and making problems the entire focus of your relationship. When most of what your partner hears is criticism, it stops being constructive and starts being corrosive.

Researcher John Gottman found that stable, happy couples maintain a ratio of at least five positive interactions for every negative one. That’s not five problems solved — it’s five moments of encouragement, appreciation, and connection for every one difficult conversation. Less like repairing a machine, more like feeding something alive. Marriages aren’t fixed into greatness, they’re fed into it.

One effective way to start feeding your marriage is to reflect on what’s already working. Ask yourself:

• What are the times that I felt most loved?

• What are some times when we felt our happiest?

If these are really hard for you, try flipping the question: “How could my marriage be worse?” It sounds counterintuitive, but it shifts your focus from the gaps to what’s already working — the things you’d genuinely miss if they were gone.

Then, tell them. Reflect back to your partner what they’re doing well — out loud, on purpose.

The common fear is, “if I tell my partner what they’re doing right then they’ll become complacent”. But the research shows the opposite is true: when partners feel appreciated, they’re much more likely to do more, not less. Because they feel encouraged, they’ll feel more hope. And people who feel more hope are more likely to take action.

As the old adage goes, “what you focus on, expands”. As the good stuff expands, the little irritations lose their grip. Most people know this intuitively: when you feel appreciated, loved, and respected, you’ll be much less irritated by the forgotten errand, that eternal honey-do item, or the way they load the dishwasher wrong (for the thousandth time).

Invitation

A great marriage never was a problem-free marriage. It’s one where both partners are actively meeting each other’s emotional needs, and pouring their energy into what works. So, instead of cataloging complaints, make an intentional effort to reflect back to your partner what they are doing well, and watch what happens.

Stop fixing your marriage.

Feed it.